Please remember that you are choosing to read my opinions.

You've probably heard by now that Harry Potter's headmaster was a big homo. This, of course, makes the Harry Potter books EVEN MORE EVIL!

We, the Moral Authorities, have been trying to warn you of dangers inside the Harry Potter books for a long time, but did you listen? No. Now you are probably a gay Pagan witch, or wizard, depending on how gay you are and your variety of private parts. Just think of all that time alone he spent with Harry Potter-- those "special lessons." Can you believe that? Everyone knows that it isn't safe to leave children alone with homosexuals! Especially if they know magic... I mean, magic homos are more dangerous than regular gay people, obviously!

I just can't believe how evil these books are. I thought they were just trying to fill our minds with satanic knowledge and influence our children to become dangerous witches and warlocks, but no... they are also trying to make our children gay, too! It is as if musicals, ballet, Ellen Degeneres, Teletubbies, and pink shirts for guys hadn't done enough damage, already... now the most popular children's book ever has combined homosexuality and magic together! This is the biggest threat to humanity yet! Soon we'll have to take care of the problem the old fashioned way, but at least the books are good firestarters....

Forget war and WMDs, this is witchcraft and homosexuality we are talking about! Both just happen to be an abomination according to the most reliable text known to man-- wikipedia.

Of course, since every important religion has some statement against magic and homosexuality, maybe we can incorporate these good Christian teachings into our legal systems and let the system efficiently deal with those who have been infected by the evils of Harry Potter. We could use enhanced interrogation techniques and then send them to a prison somewhere to await being burned on a pile of Harry Potter books and unsold copies of Rosie O'Donnell's memoir.

Warn everyone you know not to buy and read all seven Harry Potter books by J.K. Rowling, nor watch the evil movie adaptions either, lest you let demons feast upon the roasted flesh, bone, and previously squishy insides of those you love for all of eternity! Let them read the good, Christian books, like Ann Coulter's Godless: The Church of Liberalism, and movies like Rambo, an obvious Christian themed movie about the Savior.

Spread the word!